What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
10.06.2025 03:40
(And it was in our own minds.)
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
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As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
So, i spoilt her more .
Why does it itch on my vulva, uterus, and sides of my vagina, but it doesn't itch inside the vagina?
He knew the spot.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
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When she asked me how she looked .
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
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We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
I had hoped to write a book about this .
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
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But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
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And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
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But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
I could never make a relationship work though!
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
Why do I smell bad even though I have good hygiene?
Im still living with it.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
Ive learnt so much.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
What pet would you strongly not recommend?
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
My life is so biszare .
Im dying but, im not bitter.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
We all went to grammer schools
But, we were locked up after school.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Why did i forgive my father ?
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
I did it because my mum asked me too!
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
And i lived it daily.
All the time i was locked up.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
I was very sick at this time too.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
As i do to all so called friends.?
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
It was going to be , some day.
She was in good health!
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
So whats the point in blame.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
But it wasn’t much.
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With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
She wouldn,t have been !
They are buried together, in the same grave..
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Especially a lifetime of it.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
She found it foreign!.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
I was scared of men, in general
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
This is soul school!.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
I was 9 years of age.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
I said to her
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
This is how, and why children get BPD.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
I will be 64.
Was to survive, this bastard.
We were not on the streets..
Comes on , in middle age.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
He resisted the act ,that day.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
I couldn’t, believe it.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
My mum and dad in the seventies!
But ive been too sick for many years..
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
One cannot live in the past .
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
She married twice! .
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
Put me off passion for life!!
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
I have no regrets .
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
And who doesn’t know suffering?
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
Who then, do I blame.?
What did i know ?
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Where the ultimate outsiders.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
My family never makes their pension either.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
She loved him until the end.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
I never cut or harmed myself..
Would this be the day?
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
I write beautiful poetry .
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
On the 31st of Jan this month .
I was seconnd youngest,
I don,t even have a pension.
I waited trembling.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
I think the readers, may guess!
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..